Tips and Terms from Polyamory Series: Married and Dating Episode 3

“POLY LOVERS” is the name of this week’s show which offers a variety of rich lessons to improve our best practices in polyamory. Showtime’s polyamory series official episode guide reads: Couples who seek relationships with other lovers are the focus of this new docu- series…In this clip we see Michael give Kamala Devi his blessing before her date with Roxanne. 

 After Michael expresses his concerns about Kamala Devi’s exclusivity with Roxanne, we get to see the hot chemistry between these two bisexual women in one of their weekly lunch dates. Afterwards, Kamala asks Roxanne how she feels about seeing Michael and Roxanne agrees to go on a ‘tea and a chat’ to get to know him better. Jennifer’s monogamist sister Michelle comes over when Kamala Devi is away, to check out Jennifer’s new community situation. Over lunch tells Jen she can’t understand why Jen is ‘acting single’ and she is concerned that everyone will think Jen is a slut. Kamala goes home to reconnect with the San Diego poly pod in their hot tub. 

Let’s start with some POLYAMORY VOCABULARY BUILDERS: 

ETHICAL SLUT. a person of any gender who celebrates sexuality with more than one partner and works to do so in ways that are ethical and respect the feelings and rights of others. Coined by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy in the book of the same title.

VEE. A three-person structure where one person has two lovers, but those two lovers are not as closely connected with each other. Geometric arrangements involving four persons can be described as an “N” or “Z”. 

 PIVOT POINT. The person who is closely connected to two individuals who are not particularly emotionally involved with each other. This is the person at the bottom, or hinge, of a “V”. In this example, Kamala Devi would be the Pivot point between Michael and Roxanne.

CHECKING-IN. Since open and honest communication is the single most important ingredient to making Polyamory work, it helps to have a regular practice if “checking in” with your partners. This is a brief and clear update of what’s happening in the relationship. Best practice is to take responsibility for your feelings and needs.  

NON-EXCLUSION. When primary partners are always invited to join each other’s dates and sleepovers. In other words, nobody spends the night alone unless it’s by choice.

The San Diego story line also brings up several important questions that people in poly relationships could inquire about before getting into similar situations. Here are some important talking poings to minimize future pain: 

  • Do you agree to stop if poly is hurting the primary relationship? Do you stop a certain relationship, or stop being poly altogether?
  • Are you allowed to date “outside the species”, meaning people that have no poly experience?
  • Is it OK to sleep with personal friends? How about ex-lovers? Are there any specific people who are off limits?
  • How long before you must share new developments with your primary partner? Do you communicate immediately, within one day or within one week?
  • Do you have a time restriction as to how often you are allowed to date others, like once a week, once a month, or vacations only?
  • What is your curfew? Do you allow overnight dates? Is it OK to sleep with a lover if your primary is sleeping alone?
  • What is your absolute bottom line, which is to say, what boundary, if broken, might seriously jeopardize your relationship?
  • When are these agreements open for discussion? Is it OK to discuss the agreements at any time for any reason, or would you rather wait for a periodic review such as during the full moon, quarterly or every six months?
“There is no right or wrong answer to any of the above questions, but for best results we try to be as transparent and inclusive as possible. Perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind when creating relationship agreements is that with more experience, comfort and support, your rules will change and evolve. It is inevitable that some agreements will have to be revised and that some agreements will become unnecessary. The examination, discussion and process of creating agreements can be a profound part of our growth.” (This is excerpt is from “Sacred Sexual Healing,” by Kamala Devi and Baba Dez. For a full copy of the polyamory chapter, simply sign up for our newsletter at www.kamaladevi.com) 

Meanwhile in Riverside we watch Lindsey and Vanessa waking up to a deep sensual connection, a lunch date between husband wife which concludes in an agreement that Anthony will support Lindsey in finding another local lover, while Vanessa wrestles with her position as the ‘girlfriend’ and reveals that she is ready to propose a three-way marriage. The triad goes out to a club where Lindsey’s former boyfriend is singing and once he discloses that he is mono, Anthony tries to set Lindsey up with another man, but ultimately there are no sparks and Vanessa is happy to spend more time bonding with the triad.  

MORE POLYAMORY VOCABULARY BUILDERS: 

Vanessa brings up that Polyamory does not necessarily involve marriage which leads us to POLYGAMY. A marriage in which individuals have multiple spouses.

POLYGYNY is A marriage in which men have multiple wives, where as POLYANDRY. A marriage in which women have multiple husbands.

GROUP MARRIAGE. A single-family unit in which all members are considered to be married to each other’s spouses. This is seen as an ideal way to care for the children and the elderly in a family unit.

At the bar, when Anthony asks “Are you the sharing kind?” He is using his:

“POLYDAR” N. the intuitive gift of observing someones non verbal behavior and determining their capacity to conduct honest multiple loving relationships. (For more info and examples of this term go to my recent blog post: How do you know if someone is poly?)

In conclusion, there are many different ways to do polyamory, the San Diego and Riverside families are willing to share the intimate details of some of their relationship process. All relationships are complex and dynamic and above all can be seen as a personal growth opportunity. We are all learning to become better lovers, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Thanks for joining us on this polyamory series journey. 

For more polyamory terms and guidelines on how to consciously construct relationship agreements that work for all parties, you can order a FREE Polyamory Roadmap, just by signing up for Kamala Devi’s monthly newsletter. Or to get her book “Sacred Sexual Healing” With Baba Dez on her new store, go to: http://www.kamaladevi.com/products
All Rights Reserved by Kamala Devi.

If you’d like to join Kamala Devi and the San Diego polyamory family for a fun weekend retreat to explore firsthand how they do polyamory, check out Poly Palooza: Top 10 reasons to go to a 4-day festival for free lovers! or go to Poly Palooza: The Weekend Festival for Free Lovers.

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