My messy relationship update or how I poisoned myself with jealousy

Kamala Devi n Michael bondingI’ve been afraid to share what’s been happening in my love life lately because it’s tender and frankly, I’m afraid you’ll say:  “I told you so, or I saw it coming.”  But my commitment to transparency is greater than my need to look good. So here it is, in all its messy glory:

In over 20 years of extreme relationship experimentation, I recently found the edge of what I could handle in jealousy and went too far.

I used to say:  “I ingest small but gradually increasing doses of jealousy, in hopes of one day developing an immunity.”

Unfortunately, It seems I actually poisoned myself. I tried too hard to make it work with a live-in lover when my body was clearly telling me it wasn’t a fit. The side effects of ignoring my intuition were anxiety attacks, anger fits, I damaged my relationship to our family and it almost cost my marriage.

Michael and I have decided to stay together, but that requires some serious re-bonding, healing and forgiveness of self and other.

I want to learn from my mistakes and hope they make me a better lover, teacher and overall human. Here are the things for which I personally have the most remorse:

  • Trying to release the label of husband/wife.
  • Moving too quickly into ‘dual primaryship.’
  • Having live-in lovers without clear agreements.
  • And every time I said “yes” to something when my body was saying no.

Now we’re picking up the pieces, trying to find the balance between making amends and giving it time to heal. Well, there it is. As a pioneer in alternative relationships, let me be a reminder that love is a dangerous playing field and we are all teaching what we most need to learn.

Kamala Devi n Michael in heart burning

What I’d most like from my community is forgiveness. I have been radio silent lately and dropped a lot of balls. I am trying to get back into integrity now, especially before www.PolyPalooza, and I have a lot of communication to catch up on.

I love my community!

Kamala Devi

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4 thoughts on “My messy relationship update or how I poisoned myself with jealousy

  1. While I don’t judge people who have unconventional sexual arrangements, I always wonder why someone seems to feel that jealousy is considered to be a bad thing…or something to be in denial of
    I would think that those feelings are there for a reason, and should be honored and trusted. I would think that someone who is truly comfortable with polyamory would not have those feelings, or maybe not to the point where there primary relationship is poisoned. Since you have based both a lifestyle and income around sharing your partner and yourself with other people, it might be harder for you to bring voice to your feelings and honor them. I applaud your courage to be transparant about your current situation, and I also hope that as a loving wife and mother, that you don’t have any kind of belief that you need to work on “jealousy issues” Sharing your heart with more than one person is maybe the most fragile dance that life could offer…there is a reason why people do not take such a risk-even if it is incredibly enticing in the moment. I can’t tell you how to live your life, I jsut hope that for the sake of yourself and your child that you have some solid emotional strength so that you can be the best mother to your child and a best friend to yourself. Honor your gut, sometimes the concerns that speak to us need to not be “worked on” but rather seen as a source of inner wisdom. Thank you for your courage to bring such subject matter to light

  2. love and thoughts with both of you during this time of healing. Jealousy is a powerful emotion and no one is immune to it even in the strongest of relationships. Your love of one another, your strength and your ability to move forward will inevitably heal those painful wounds.
    Love and blessings to both of you!

  3. I’m so sorry to hear about your breakdown hun! I respect your courage and honesty to share this information about your marriage. While I respect and admire your polyamourous lifestyle, I personally, cannot share my role as wife and being the primary with anyone, no matter how much I care about them . There has to be a sacredness to my marriage and my role in it that no one can come between, otherwise, I wouldn’t feel safe and secure in it.

    You tried your best to do what you thought was what was expected of you, so don’t beat yourself up too much. You now realize that you have to listen to your instincts and be TRUE TO YOURSELF first.

    I am sending you love and light, and praying for the healing of your heart and spirit, as well as for your marriage.

    Hugs and kisses,
    Luna

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