I’ve been afraid to share what’s been happening in my love life lately because it’s tender and frankly, I’m afraid you’ll say: “I told you so, or I saw it coming.” But my commitment to transparency is greater than my need to look good. So here it is, in all its messy glory:
In over 20 years of extreme relationship experimentation, I recently found the edge of what I could handle in jealousy and went too far.
I used to say: “I ingest small but gradually increasing doses of jealousy, in hopes of one day developing an immunity.”
Unfortunately, It seems I actually poisoned myself. I tried too hard to make it work with a live-in lover when my body was clearly telling me it wasn’t a fit. The side effects of ignoring my intuition were anxiety attacks, anger fits, I damaged my relationship to our family and it almost cost my marriage.
Michael and I have decided to stay together, but that requires some serious re-bonding, healing and forgiveness of self and other.
I want to learn from my mistakes and hope they make me a better lover, teacher and overall human. Here are the things for which I personally have the most remorse:
- Trying to release the label of husband/wife.
- Moving too quickly into ‘dual primaryship.’
- Having live-in lovers without clear agreements.
- And every time I said “yes” to something when my body was saying no.
Now we’re picking up the pieces, trying to find the balance between making amends and giving it time to heal. Well, there it is. As a pioneer in alternative relationships, let me be a reminder that love is a dangerous playing field and we are all teaching what we most need to learn.
What I’d most like from my community is forgiveness. I have been radio silent lately and dropped a lot of balls. I am trying to get back into integrity now, especially before www.PolyPalooza, and I have a lot of communication to catch up on.
I love my community!